Bright sunlight filtered through the sapphire colored curtains of Molly’s bedroom, and outside her dog, Biscuit, barked. Molly yawned and opened her bright hazel eyes. Her straight, shoulder-length, hair without bangs was tangled. She got out of bed and walked toward her green closet. Everything in her room was neat and clean. There was a straight pile of books on her desk and a tidy bookshelf in the corner. Molly pulled open the closet door and picked out an orange plaid shirt and a pair of jeans. She went over to the tiled bathroom to change. Then, she put on a lime green headband. Outside her door, Biscuit barked again, waiting for Molly to take her on their morning walk. As quickly as she could, Molly brushed her hair and hurriedly opened the door. The white and tan Pomeranian jumped up into her arms, licking her face.
“Okay, okay,” Molly smiled and clicked on a leash. She went out into the kitchen to eat her usual breakfast of a peanut butter sandwich.
“Good morning,” Molly’s mom greeted her.
“Good morning Mom,” Molly replied while climbing onto the chair.
She picked up a sandwich and took a bite. Biscuit was wagging her tail impatiently, so Molly gulped down the rest of her sandwich.
“I’m going to take Biscuit on a walk through the woods", she called.
“Sure, just be back in an hour.” Mom answered.
Molly grabbed hold of the yellow leash with paw prints on it and Biscuit quickly got up and followed her. Molly opened the door and stepped out. It was a bright, sunny day with a slight breeze that carried the scent of sweet flowers. Biscuit rushed out, running around the recently mowed lawn. She closed the front door and set out on the path that led to the woods. It was very convenient to have a park so close to her home. The dense trees and undergrowth shielded her from the burning rays of the sun. The woods had been there for thousands of years and ivy climbed on the oak and fir trees that dotted the parks. The leaves were golden and shimmered as Molly and Biscuit walked past. The leaves that littered the forest floor crunched under her feet. A bush with bright red berries and spiky leaves rustled. A moment later, a mottled white and gray head poked out. The sharp ears with black tips were pushed out and it locked eyes with Biscuit. As suddenly as it appeared, the cat’s head was out of sight. With a bark, Biscuit gave chase to the mottled cat, and the leash was wrenched out of Molly’s hands.
“No”, Molly yelled desperately, “Come back!” But it was already too late. Biscuit was tearing after the cat in full speed. Molly ran after her, except Biscuit was already out of sight. “Biscuit!” Molly called, “Biscuit!” A thorn tore into her pants, but she didn’t care. Branches whipped in her face and thorn bushes blocked her path. Still, Molly didn’t give up. She spotted a clump of fur on a thorn bush. It was Biscuit’s. Molly rushed over to the bush and examined it. Good. No blood. There were no traces of a fight at least. She slipped past the bush to search for more signs, but she did not notice the sign that read “Danger! Bear Territory.” And she did not see the claw marks of a bear on the oak tree. “Biscuit!” Molly called and called, “Biscuit!” Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a lumbering shape and heard the thump of huge paws. She whipped around and gasped. A few feet away, a massive bear loomed above her, its beady eyes focused on her. A low growl issued from the bear’s muzzle and Molly screamed, eyes wide with terror.
A mile away from Molly, Biscuit was chasing after the cat. Then, she heard a scream. It was Molly! Biscuit dashed toward the sound. When she got close enough, Biscuit ducked under a yew bush. In the clearing a few steps away, a huge grizzly had cornered Molly. Quickly thinking, she dashed off to find the foxes that lived there. Her nose had picked up a whiff of fox when they set off into the woods. She circled the place, trying to figure out where they came from. She stopped by a bush and sniffed again. It definitely had the scent of Molly and herself. She had found the scent trail! With her nose in the air, Biscuit went all the way back. There was a whiff of fox again, and she followed the scent to a den.
“Hello?” she barked. There was a growl coming from the den. “Please help me!” Biscuit begged. After a while, the fox agreed and found a few of his friends, Misha, a dark red fox with white feet and a bushy tail, Stone, a thin fox with all of his ribs showing, and Silver, a light orange fox with dark brown eyes and a tail that was tipped silver. Biscuit whispered the plan to them and they split up and formed a circle around the clearing where the bear was. Stone howled first, his wild song cutting through the forest. Then Misha’s turn, her howl echoing through the trees. Third was Silver with her passionate, untamed song. Next was the fox that Biscuit found, and last of all was Biscuit. She howled her love of Molly into the bright sky. The bear’s ears lifted up and it started back toward where it came. Growls were coming from all around.
“What’s happening?” Molly thought, “Were they wolves or foxes? Oh no!” More sharp barks came from all around and the bear spun around and fled, clambering through the woods on clumsy paws. Out of the bushes rushed out a white and tan shape, so familiar to Molly that she recognized it immediately. “Biscuit!” Molly cried out joyfully. She had never been so happy and surprised in her life. “You’re the greatest dog ever. You’re my Balto!” (Balto was the bravest dog ever in Alaska, who went through 700 miles of deep snow without stopping to deliver medicine for sick children.) Molly reached her arms out and hugged Biscuit. Together, they went home, paw in hand.
“Molly, it’s already 10:59, what in the world happened? I was so worried, and you’re such a mess!” Molly’s mother exclaimed.
“Oh, we just confronted a bear,” Molly said with a gleam in her eyes.
Love it! Kudos for Biscuit!
ReplyDeleteBiscuit - The Balto. I think Fluffy could be our Balto, but never really want to have such adventure.
ReplyDeleteNice and Lovely Story.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure whether you're looking for critique or not, but some constructive criticism never hurt anyone. :P
This is Kimberly (your sister's friend) by the way.
First off - grammar and hyphens, just to be nitpicky. In the very first sentence, it should be "sapphire-colored."
In the same paragraph, where you say "Her straight, shoulder-length, hair without bangs was tangled," the commas make the sentence confusing. You're making a list of attributes: her (something) is straight, shoulder-length and... hair without bangs? That's not right; the sentence should be "Her straight, shoulder-length hair without bangs..."
There are a couple typos in the dialogue: "“I’m going to take Biscuit on a walk through the woods", she called.
“Sure, just be back in an hour.” Mom answered."
The comma after "woods" should be inside the quotations, and the period after "hour" should be a comma.
"Biscuit rushed out, running around the recently mowed lawn. She closed the front door..."
The "She" here is unclear. You obviously mean Molly, because Biscuit probably can't close the door, but the only subject "she" could possibly refer to is Biscuit, so it doesn't make sense.
Also, yews are... not bushes. They're trees.
"Quickly thinking, she dashed off to find the foxes that lived there."
The foxes that lived where? In the clearing? No, that's not what you meant, but that's what it seems like you meant.
"She circled around, trying to figure out where they came from."
Again, this sentence is ambiguous. Who is "they"? The foxes? (No, Molly and Biscuit, but I only figured that out after I read a few lines more.)
"Then Misha’s turn, her howl..."
It should be "Then IT WAS Misha's turn..."
"“What’s happening?” Molly thought, “Were they wolves or foxes? Oh no!”"
I think you meant "ARE they wolves or foxes?" because Molly would not be thinking in past tense if it's happening at that moment.
"(Balto was the bravest dog ever in Alaska, who went through 700 miles of deep snow without stopping to deliver medicine for sick children.)"
That explanation feels really tacked on, like you thought of the title, decided it was cool and then couldn't figure out how to integrate it into your story.
"Together, they went home, paw in hand."
Gratuitous comma use. Rephrasing it as "They went home together, paw in hand" would make it sound smoother.
I found a couple things to be really jarring: first, if the bear's already looming over Molly and about to strike, how can Biscuit have so much time to find the scent, follow it, speak to the foxes, think up a plan AND get into position? Second, please, PLEASE vary your sentence structure and length. Simple short sentences everywhere makes for very very choppy writing.
Now that I'm done ripping your story apart, here are good things:
I get a nice tranquil feeling from the beginning, and you do a good job of conveying a sense of domesticity.
The transition from "peaceful walk" to "disaster" is also nice and abrupt without being jarring.
You also have fairly minimalist description, mostly, which is always a plus. The few places where you go into a lot of detail actually benefit from it by slowing down the story and either instilling tranquility or making us pay more attention to the image.
Overall, not bad, not bad.
Great sense of place. I like how Biscuit is wise enough to get help. What a motley crew of foxes! I hope we see them again in other adventures.
ReplyDeleteHello Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteNice to see you in this blog. Please come often, and provide nice critique.
I think you could figure out who I am, the old man. :-)
Great story with lot of details as if I were watching a movie. What a smart dog.
ReplyDeleteI will get a dog for Kimberly if it was Biscuit :)
Love,
Siau kuku